Monday, August 31, 2009

TOMORROW'S HEADLINES TODAY

Today's Headline: DALAI LAMA SAYS TAIWAN VISIT IS NOT POLITICAL

Tomorrow's Headline: CHINESE LAUGH REALLY HARD

TOMORROW'S HEADLINES TODAY

Today's Headline: AFGHAN WOMEN STAYED AWAY FROM POLLS

Tomorrow's Headline: TALIBAN CHEERFULLY ANNOUNCE THINGS ARE "BACK TO NORMAL"

TOMORROW'S HEADLINES TODAY

Today's Healine: FIND INFORMATION FASTER

Tomorrow's Headline: NOW YOU HAVE MORE TIME TO EAT CHEETOS UNTIL YOUR FINGERS TURN DAY-GLO ORANGE

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

FOOD ITEMS THAT SOUND LIKE RACIAL SLURS
  • Saltines
  • Oreos
  • Moose Tracks*
  • Keebler**
  • Spam
  • Rice cakes
  • Cranberries

*Canada only.

**Little people only.

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

MOST STACKABLE FOODS
  • Pringles
  • Molasses cookies
  • Pancakes
  • Fish filets**
  • Juice boxes
  • Lasagna
  • Eggplants**

*Cod only. The flesh of the salmon undulates.

**Did you really believe this?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

LOVABLE CHARACTERS YOU WOULD NOT TRUST FOR A SECOND IF YOU MET THEM DOWN A DARK ALLEY
  • Ranger Rick
  • The Michelin Man*
  • Hunter S. Thompson
  • Bilbo**
  • The Allstate Guy
  • Miles Davis***

*Try admitting to your family that you were mugged by a Jet-Puffed marshmallow.

**Midgets in general.

***You'll feel unbearably cool after the incident. You'll also wonder how he robbed you with his back turned to you the whole time.

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

GREAT BEARS OF HISTORY
  • Smokey
  • The USSR
  • Mike Ditka*
  • Yogi
  • The Right To
  • The Great Depression**

*More angry than great

**Not actually that great

Friday, August 28, 2009

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

THINGS MONEY CAN BUY
  • Spoons
  • Amish furniture
  • Chewing gum
  • Illinois*
  • A dozen roses
  • Tadpoles
  • Love**

*Price negotiable

**Disputed

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS TO BE USED AS WEAPONS IN THE EVENT OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
  • Crowbar
  • Flatware
  • Third child
  • Thumbtacks
  • Shotgun*

*Last resort.

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

MOST EDIBLE FAMOUS PEOPLE
  • Garrison Keillor
  • Cookie Monster
  • Sammy Sosa
  • William Henry Harrison*
  • Batman
  • Nikola Tesla**

*Succulent flavor

**Zesty

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

THINGS THAT SHOULD BE GOLD-PLATED
  • Toothbrushes
  • Endangered species*
  • The Vice-President
  • Onion domes
  • Justin Timberlake*
  • Gold

*Indicates subject should be gold-plated while still alive.

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

EVERDAY WORDS THAT SOUND AS IF THEY SHOULDN'T BE SPOKEN IN CIVILIZED CONVERSATION
  • Succotash
  • Manhandle
  • Bursa
  • Slurpee
  • Clickwheel
  • Fartlek
  • Ornithologist
  • Exacerbate
  • Lick

Monday, August 24, 2009

DANCE DANCE

IT'S A GRAND OPENING
OCTOBER THE 2, TWENTY-OUGHT NINE
THE SETHMAN STORE
SIGNED PICTURES, REGURGITATED MIND-NUGGETS, ALL THE LATEST MARTIN SHEEN GOSSIP.
34 SECOND STREET, DETROIT, MI 48203
ARRIVE DRESSED TO KILL AT 7:20 P.M.
TO DISCUSS THINGS WITH THE SETHMAN,
CALL 1.800.THE.SETHMAN.LIVES

LISTS FOR YOUR LIFE

WORDS THAT SOUND LIKE WHAT THEY MEAN
  • Marble
  • Cricket
  • Doofus
  • Pliable
  • Clockwork
  • Pill
  • Neon

TOMORROW'S HEADLINES TODAY

Today's Headline: BLAGOJEVICH DOES ELVIS

Tomorrow's Headline: BILLBOARD 200 SPOKESMAN SAYS "BLAGO'S HIPS DON'T LIE"

TOMORROW'S HEADLINES TODAY

Today's Headline: INDIA UNVEILS BIGGEST SCISSORS

Tomorrow's Headline: INDIA'S SCISSORS GO MISSING

Day After Tomorrow's Headline: TIBET CUTS FREE FROM CHINA

Sunday, August 23, 2009

TOMORROW'S HEADLINES TODAY

Today's Headline: VICK SAYS HE CRIED IN PRISON

Tomorrow's Headline: GATORADE USES VICK'S TEARS IN NEW "GATORAGE" FORMULA

CAREFUL CAREFUL

VELVEETA - THE CHEESE FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE OIL PAINTS.

EAT UP EAT UP

WHY THE LONG FACE? THE TROUT WILL BE TOASTED SOON ENOUGH.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

COME ONE COME ALL

WITCHES ARE A LOT LIKE GUITARS - BOTH HAVE BEEN SET ON FIRE ON A RAISED PLATFORM IN FRONT OF A SCREAMING AUDIENCE, TO GREAT CRITICAL ACCLAIM.

Friday, August 21, 2009

KA-CHING KA-CHING

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS: THE MYSTICISM OF LORD OF THE RINGS CROSSED WITH THE INTENSE EXCITEMENT OF YAHTZEE

Thursday, August 20, 2009

ALERT ALERT

BEYONCE KICKS OFF "IF I WERE A BOY" TOUR WITH THREE-NIGHT STINT IN JAMAICA

DELICIOUS DELICIOUS

CREAM OF WHEAT - THE CEREAL FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE PUDDING

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

HEAR YE HEAR YE

TOUGH WRINKLES? REMOVE THEM WITH STRATEGIC BUNION KNOBS.

Monday, August 17, 2009

WELCOME

THE SETHMAN HAS ARRIVED. BOW LOW, YE MASSES.